A girl named Evie
by RedLady
Summary: A parody sequel to A girl named Anck which I wrote a looooong time ago. Scorpion eating, phone service, a golden tooth, and cursed butts all in one story. Ultra random parody just like the last one.
1. Eat me!

Well it's the moment you've all been waiting for! Did you miss me? Do you even remember who I am? Or maybe you are just now joining in on the adventure...  
  
Well here is the sequel to my Mummy parody, A Girl Named Anck. There will probably be some references to my first fic, but it is not mandatory that you read it. I hope I do as good in this fic as I did in the other one.  
  
And no I haven't forgotten my promise to do this. (Frasier fan!) It's been in the back of my head ever since two summers ago. So sit back and enjoy because here is "A Girl Named Evie!"  
  
A GIRL NAMED EVIE.  
  
By: RedLady  
  
Chapter 1: Eat me!  
  
Before I begin I must tell you this story about this guy. He was this guy that had a thing for scorpions. When he was a kid, he didn't play with toy soldiers or pretend to be priests who perform mummification on people like the other kids. No, this guy played scorpion. He had scorpion toys, pretended to be scorpion, and even had imaginary scorpion friends that talked to him and came with him to tea!  
  
Well this guy also happened to like to fight. And he always won when he was in a fight.  
  
One day he was fighting this huge army. His own army had golden scorpion shields and swords and armor. His army was fighting against an army who had dull swords and shields and armor.  
  
"We're gonna win!" The shaggier army wearing differing shades of brown yelled at his army.  
  
"No! We're gonna win!" His golden army yelled back.  
  
"No! You'll see!" They argued and rushed at his army. His army rushed at them in return. So it was gold against brown in this particular battle and both sides fought well. It looked as if both armies were evenly matched... until seven years later...  
  
---Seven Years Later---  
  
The scorpion dude won every battle... Except one. One time he lost and was banished to roam the desert with his army. "I told you we would win!" The brown army argued. (They had been fighting each other on that subject for seven years now...)  
  
This is where we find him now, wandering the hot desert...  
  
"Can you hear me now?" He asked talking into the strange square device.  
  
"Yes." One of his army followers said wearily for the 468th time.  
  
"Good."  
  
---There was a 2 second pause here...---  
  
"Can you hear me now?"  
  
"YES! For the last time, yes!" His comrade shouted. "Man, I'm thirsty." He continued to comment, then fell over dead.  
  
"Can you hear me now?" The scorpion dude asked. The only answer he got was a gurgling choking sound.  
  
"What? I can't hear you! You're breaking up!"  
  
He threw down the phone annoyed. "Nation wide! HAH! Yeah right!"  
  
Then he realized that he was all alone. He fell to his knees in despair. "I've lost everything!" He yelled. "I've lost the war! I've lost my army and I even lost my phone!" His stomach grumbled from hunger which he obviously didn't lose yet.  
  
And the great god Anubis, whom I am told is the god of the dead, I think... creepy... anyway, he took pity upon the scorpion dude and sent him a scorpion friend to eat so he wouldn't be hungry anymore.  
  
A black scorpion arose from the sands moaning like a freshly awoken mummy. It was holding a sign that said... "Eat me."  
  
The scorpion dude looked at him in shock, his eyes as big as his eye brow. (The better to see you with?)  
  
"Eat me!" The black scorpion chanted.  
  
"Why would I want to eat you?" The scorpion dude asked in shock. "I love scorpions, not to eat of course..."  
  
"Ah hah! You think you are too good to eat me!" The scorpion said waving his sign in the scorpion dude's face.  
  
"No... It's just scorpions are my friends... they are like my deities."  
  
"You wouldn't know a scorpion from an ant, you are so dumb!" The scorpion called angrily.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Your momma was so fat she caused an eclipse!"  
  
"No she didn't..."  
  
"Shut up I am trying to insult you here!"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"What would you do if your only purpose in life is to be eaten by some big dumb guy?"  
  
"Who is gonna eat you?" The scorpion dude said confused. Then he realized that the scorpion had meant him. And he had just called him dumb!  
  
"Wait a moment! Are you saying I'm stupid?"  
  
"That's what dumb means, smart one!" The scorpion said yelling.  
  
"Wait! And you said my mom's fat? That's not very nice!"  
  
"HAH HAH! I can think of a lot more insults than that." The scorpion yelled trying to think of more.  
  
"I don't like you." The scorpion dude said crossly.  
  
"Bite me!" The scorpion said distracted.  
  
"I WILL!!!"  
  
And with that the scorpion dude picked up the scorpion, which stung him in surprise and took a chomp out of his head.  
  
[Stay tuned... if you thought that was bad, wait till the next chapter... Where there phones in ancient Egypt?] 


	2. You've just won a new army

Chapter 2: You've just won a new army!  
  
"Congratulations sir! You've just won a new army!" A small man said shaking the scorpion dude's hand.  
  
"I have?"  
  
"Yep, and you've gotten your strength back and are now the proud owner of a luxurious oasis!"  
  
"Huh?" The scorpion dude said confused. One moment he had been eating a scorpion, the next he was standing in a forest, shaking the hand of this strange man.  
  
"Now if I could just get you to sign here." The man said pulling out a clip board. The scorpion dude signed his name... "Scorpion Dude" with a little picture of a scorpion at the dot of the "i".  
  
"Thank you sir. Have fun and remember that your free subscription to "Warrior's Weekly" expires after 3 months. Thank you and goodbye." He said disappearing.  
  
The scorpion dude looked at his newly acquired possessions which included a vast army of dog like warriors and a pyramid with a golden sun roof. He smiled and simply said...  
  
"Cool."  
  
So he led his newly acquired army against the army whom he had lost the war too and had banished him in the first place.  
  
"Banish me, will you! " He said as the barking of his army was heard for miles around. "Thought you had beaten me, did you!"  
  
The leader of the brown army whom had beaten him, had a gold tooth. Don't ask me why, but this is important for later on... Well the scorpion dude stole this golden tooth as a momento and went on to defeat the guy's brother, and his cousin, and his uncle and his sister, and his second cousin, and his wife's sister's friend's brother...(In other words he took his vengeance upon the guys whole family.)  
  
But when he was fighting the guy's half brother's friend, his tooth fell out and he should have known that was a bad omen because before he knew it his army had vanished.  
  
"What's this!" He said yelling at the sky. "You gave me an army and now you take it away?"  
  
Anubis who was having fun with him anyway was tired of the scorpion dude and was seeking other enjoyments. (I heard it involved some other goddess...) The same guy whom had told him he had won all this stuff appeared next to him  
  
"I'm sorry dude, but your subscription to Anubis's army has expired."  
  
"What? I thought that was only for "Warrior's Weekly"?"  
  
"Well that too, but you see the thing is that Anubis is tired of funding this project and he want's his army back."  
  
"Well that is inconvenient." He answered staring at the opposing army who saw that the dog warriors had disappeared.  
  
"Yes, he's terribly sorry and too make up for it he is gonna make you immortal."  
  
"But I don't want to be immortal."  
  
"Oh. Well in that case he'll put you in a deep sleep that will last for thousands of years till someone wakes you up."  
  
"Why can't I just die like the rest of them?"  
  
"It doesn't work like that. Bye now!"  
  
And the scorpion dude sank into the sand leaving his golden tooth behind... 


	3. Only if they don't bite you

Chapter 3: Only if they don't bite you...  
  
Now remember our heroes? Evelyn, Rick, Jonathan, and Are(deth)? Well there has been a couple changes since then. Evelyn somehow convinced Rick to marry her. And they had a kid, named Alex. Jonathan still drank a lot and Are went ahead and changed his name to Ardeth since everyone got confused anyway. Speaking of name changes, Evelyn changed her name to Evie for the purposes of this story....  
  
Well anyway, Evie, Rick, and Alex were all sitting down for breakfast one day. Evie had just made breakfast.  
  
She set the bowls of oatmeal before everyone and sat at her own place to eat.  
  
"Mom!" Alex said taking a teeny-weeny bite of his oatmeal.  
  
"Yes?" Evie answered before burning her tongue.  
  
"This oatmeal's too hot."  
  
"Yes, let's go exploring while we wait for it to cool down!" Evie said excitably getting out her packet of tools.  
  
"All right!" Rick said and got his new collection of 98 guns from the cupboard, (since 2 of them were lost at Hamunatra).  
  
"You're just looking for an excuse to use your guns!" Evie said mischievously and leaned up close to him kissing his chin. "But there will be no mummies this time." She promised.  
  
"I wouldn't be so sure..." But he was interrupted by Evie kissing him.  
  
Alex rolled his eyes. "Mom! Dad!" He said annoyed.  
  
"Hmm?" They answered still kissing.  
  
"Get a room..." Alex muttered annoyed.  
  
So they hopped on a boat and traveled to some old ancient Egyptian pyramid...  
  
Rick was sort of glad to be in a creepy place like an ancient burial tomb. He slunk through the shadows of the pyramid's corridors carrying his 98 guns behind him. He admired his devilishly handsome shadow and then continued on his way. Alex interrupted him once... something about his tattoo... but then he continued with his shadow sneaking...  
  
Evie in the meantime was looking at something on the wall. A snake snaked up behind her and she kicked it at Rick who slung it away scared.  
  
"Those are poisonous you know!" He exclaimed.  
  
"Only if they don't bite you..." She said absent-mindedly. And Rick realized that it hadn't bit him so he went back over to the snake to get it to bite him...  
  
"Or was it the other way around?" Evie wondered.  
  
Rick simply looked at her with wide eyes.  
  
After coming back from the hospital Evie and Rick, continued their treasure hunting.  
  
"I feel like I've been here before." Evie stated.  
  
"You have." Rick answered. "We were just here before we went to the hospital."  
  
"No." Evie said hitting him playfully. "I mean in ancient times or something..."  
  
Meanwhile Alex for the lack of anything better to do was building mouse traps in the front room of the tomb. But he heard some people coming and immediately hid. Three rough looking guys came in and didn't even notice his little collection of mouse traps.  
  
Now these guys aren't really important in this story because they are only in this story to get killed. So because they aren't really important they don't really have names and have been called guy #1, guy #2, and guy #3.  
  
Guy #1 was the one that thought that everything was cursed. Guy #2 was the fat one (and the leader) and guy #3 was the stupid one.  
  
"This place is cursed." Guy #1 said.  
  
"You always say that!" Guy #3 said.  
  
"How do you know it is cursed?" Guy #2 said.  
  
And Guy #1 pointed to a sign that said "this place is cursed."  
  
"Oh..." Guy #2 and #3 said at the same time. 


	4. The trickle of the Nile and the accursed...

Chapter 4: The trickle of the Nile and the accursed bum...  
  
"I swear that I've been here before..." Evie stated.  
  
"Okay..." Rick said not knowing what else to say.  
  
"Ever since I've been having those dreams this place is all I can think about."  
  
"Then where do we go next?" Rick asked.  
  
"Let me see..." Evie said getting out a piece of paper. "I wrote it all down from my dreams... Through this door..." Evie stated walking through the door. "And to the left." She continued walking to the left. "Pull his lever." She pulled the lever. "Go through the door and wait for the next vision..."  
  
"You dreamed all that?" Rick said confused.  
  
"Yes. It's a good tutorial, don't you think?" She asked proudly.  
  
And there she waited for the next vision which showed her how to open the next door. Behind the door they found a chest, and in that chest they found another chest... and in that chest they found another one...  
  
And finally in that chest....  
  
They found another chest.  
  
Then Evie noticed that the top of the chests said 'Box of Never Ending Chests' and then proceeded to open the chest next to this one because she assumed that the first chest(s) was put their to fool grave robbers like themselves...  
  
And inside this chest they found...  
  
"The tooth of the Scorpion King!" Evie said holding up the golden tooth.  
  
"Cool." Rick answered.  
  
Behind them Guy#2 appeared and was just about to shoot them when the ground began to tremble.  
  
"What's going on?" Rick asked alarmed getting out all his guns...  
  
"Oh yes." Evie said not surprised. "It says upon opening this chest you shall drink from the Nile."  
  
"Oh... Shouldn't you have told me that before you opened it?"  
  
"Must have slipped my mind..." Evie said as they both watched the wall crumbled behind them. And out from the hole came a little trickled of water. They both ran for their lives away from the rushing water that came towards them.  
  
Alex meanwhile had sling-shotted Guy #3 in the bum. "OW!" He screamed while rubbing his bum...  
  
"What's wrong?" Guy #1 asked.  
  
"Something just hit me in the bum..." He complained. Before Guy #1 could say anything Guy #3 interrupted, "I bet your gonna say this place is cursed..."  
  
"Quiet!" Guy #1 said. "You don't want to awaken the Gods... And don't steal my line. Your bum is cursed!"  
  
"Why do you get to have the cool lines though?" Guy #3 complained. "All I do is get hit in the bum by some kid with a sling shot!"  
  
"You're cursed, that is why."  
  
"That is your excuse for everything..."  
  
"Because I'm cursed..." He grumbled and then he stopped suddenly. "Did you just say you got hit in the bum by a kid with a sling shot?" He asked hesitantly.  
  
"Yeah. He's right up there." Guy #3 said pointing to Alex's hiding place at the top of a ladder.  
  
"Well why didn't you tell me that in the first place?" Guy #1 said angrily. Then he turned his attention back to the boy. "Curse you!" Guy #1 yelled at Alex and began making his way towards him and up the ladder.  
  
Just then Guy #2 came running through the room saying. "Come on! Flood! Run!" And they both made their way after Guy #2.  
  
Alex was left at the top of a crumbling ladder which Guy #1 had "cursed." and ended up knocking down the pillars of the room in a sort of domino affect. He looked around at the damage he had caused and realized that one pillar was about to make a rather big hole in the wall.  
  
Using his super human strength he managed to keep it from falling any further. All was fine and dandy until Alex realized he had no super human strength and could not stop the pillar from falling. Running out of the way, he watched as the pillar knocked a hole in the wall.  
  
Out popped his mother and father who had been running from the Nile which turned out to be but a trickle of water because of the recent drought...  
  
"Mum? Dads?" Alex said uncertainly. "These three guys came in here and they were trying to kill you and I shot one of them in the arse with a sling shot but then they saw me and were gonna kill me but then they ran away until you came but the pillars just fell by themselves and I didn't mean to knock them down I tried to stop it but I'm just one boy you see and..."  
  
"Alex!?!" Both his parents said getting a head ache. "Now what were you saying?" Rick said getting up.  
  
"I was saying that..." Alex thought for a moment. "I was saying that I can explain everything..."  
  
"I think you just did." Rick said tussling the boys hair. Both of them hadn't heard a thing he said as they were more intent on relaying their near encounter with a trickle of water from the Nile. It's enough to make a person mad from this near death experience! 


End file.
